Midnight Quills

True love cannot be found where it doesn’t truly exist.
Nor can it be truly hidden where it does.

Jason’s friendship with Samantha had developed innocently enough over a period of months of talking and getting to know one another. He’d known about Aaron, about her boyfriend the entire time and had thought nothing of it. Until the day that the realisation hit him.

He loved her.

Now Jason could only be filled with confusion, could only sit and wonder just how such a thing could have happened. He knew there could be no action on the scene, that he could do nothing about it. Yet there was always that underlying pain whenever he saw her, whenever they spoke. He did his best to conceal it from her. Samantha knew nothing of Jason’s feelings.

The night was cool; Jason was sitting casually on his balcony, beer sitting on the outdoor table as he leant over the page. He’d been meaning to go to work on his story, to go to work drawing closer to the end of the seemingly endless novel he was in the process of writing. As he looked down at the pages he’d written he sighed. The only words that sat there were the three poems that he’d written with Samantha in mind.

She was everywhere now, was in his thoughts throughout the day, in his dreams when he slept at night. Wherever he went he couldn’t escape the striking features that lingered in his mind every day. The soft brown curls that had fallen loosely around her shoulders at the New Years Eve party the week before. Her deep brown eyes that sparkled with every perfect smile she flashed, that sparkled each time her soft, full lips turned upwards in that bright smile. Once more his eyes flickered to the photo he had of her, that one picture that he held of her with which he could look at her. The corners were becoming worn; the edges a little tattered at the overuse. He’d thought it simply another photo of a friend until now. Now it was more.

It was a picture of his love, a forbidding barrier that he so desperately wanted to cross. A lunge that he craved for, a leap of faith that he wished he could take. One thing stood in his way though, that one thing. Aaron. As much as Jason wished that he could step forward, tell Samantha just what he felt, he couldn’t. He couldn’t tell her because he knew how she cared for Aaron. Jason took another mouthful from the bottle that sat before him. Staring up into the night sky at the stars, those shimmering lights so far away. A light that could be seen so clearly, yet was totally unreachable. Jason knew the parallels, knew the link between his thoughts of the stars and his feelings for Samantha. He sighed as he began to write again.

Do you know how it feels to love someone? To love someone so much that your every breath is for them? Your every heartbeat? Every moment spent with them is a rush that only seeps further into you, only deepens the feelings that you have for them, only breaks your heart further as you come to the realisation that no matter how much you love them, no matter what you do. The feelings will only ever be coming from one side.

Jason sighed once more as the words drifted across the paper. His eyes flashing with each movement to the photo that sat in front of him. Another swallow of the beer that he had before the empty bottle was placed gently down beside the accumulating number that needed to be cleared from the balcony. More words, more emotions flowing out onto the paper as he wrote.

He stood, the plastic legs of the chair scraping noisily along the concrete of the balcony. Walking inside to the fridge, the door opened to reveal a dwindling number of bottles, only to have more sitting beside the fridge to restock the number when it fell too low.

He looked at the CD player. Jon Bon Jovi’s voice smoothly sliding past the speakers as ‘Always’ started once more. The same song had been ringing in his ears for several hours now. He wasn’t sick of it though, wasn’t sick of the words, the music, the emotions it welled up inside him with each passing note. Each soft drum beat. He moved back to the table. Turning over another piece of paper to write yet something else.

A note.

The notes rang in his ears as the song started once more. She had no clue. Had no clue as to the pain that he felt, had no clue as to what she did to him. And he couldn’t tell her.

Perhaps it was the alcohol; perhaps the liquid had heightened the depression he’d sunk into over the past week. He’d loved her too long now, for no result. She was his reason, his reason for being. Samantha was the only one he loved, the only one he cared for so much that his every breath, his every heartbeat was for her. Each beating of his heart another declaration in his chest of the way he felt for her.

All for nothing.

He paused for a moment as he leaned once more over the paper. Pen poised to write. He’d sunk too far this night, sunk into that alcohol heightened depression that was leading to one thing.

And only one would be able to stop it.

But she wouldn’t, only he knew how anyone could. And that was never going to happen. He’d been living this lie for too long. Living with feelings that he covered by the apparent happiness he had. The distractions of other relationships with which he could hide the true feelings he held behind. The note, he was about to write it. His eyes glanced up once more at the stars; those prickling pinpoints of light, seeming to bore into his soul creating such a pain, such a heartache that nothing could cure. No surgeon knew how to mend the tear in his heart; no bandage could cover the wound. No one could help him.

And no one would.

Because he was simply used, used for the gain of others, for their pleasure. For their assistance. He was relied upon, but not for the reasons that he wanted to be relied upon for. He cared less for any of the bullshit that they gave him about really caring, about having feelings for him. Only one did he have feelings for. One that he could never have, would never have. No matter what he did.

No longer would they use him, no longer would he live with the pain of loving the forbidden. Loving Samantha, despite everything that said he couldn’t. The end was drawing closer. The final night was here. Jason looked at the blank sheet of paper in front of him. There was so much to say, so much emotion, so many feelings to place down on that paper. He knew not where he should start. The pen remained paused as he listened to the song start once more. The repeated tune that seemed to be drowned out by the screaming storm of emotions and hurt within him. Eyes shifted out over the scenery around his home. The new place he’d only just moved to really. He’d only just begun getting used to the scene.

The last scene he would see.

His eyes shifted back to her photo sitting on the table before him. The last face he would see.

And the sounds of Bon Jovi, the last sounds he would hear.

He bent over the paper. Attempting to pull the turmoil of emotions within him into some sort of order so that he could put it down. A tear rolled down his cheek as he thought of her, her face was always in his mind, her voice lingering in his thoughts every moment of every day.

The tear fell from his cheek onto the paper, staining it with its cruel liquid touch. Staining the last sheet of paper he would write on.

He leant forwards, one more gaze at the photo before pressing the pen to the paper. He began to write his suicide note.

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